More Platypus News is forthcoming

In the mean time, you should be watching Colbert Report, Daily Show, and South Park.

Tiger Woods Jokes Coming Fast and Furious

Stay up to date with the latest jokes about Tiger. Poor guy. Though you know most every other guy would be happy to swoop in for seconds =P

RIAA Launches New Initiative Against Fetuses

The RIAA, in a stunning press conference, announced that it will be launching a new initiative targeting fetuses.

On the heels of launching another initiative against colleges and universities, the RIAA announced that it will offer a similar deal to the fetus and its family. Thousands of pre-litigation settlement letters are being sent out to hospitals. The family can then settle with the RIAA with a pre-court discount.

“Kids no longer get music like they used to,” said an RIAA spokesperson. “We want to send the right message to families early and encourage them to enjoy the music legally. Our pre-litigation settlement letters are offered as a benefit to the fetus and its family to allow them to settle claims early, at a substantially discounted sum and off the public record. What family wants its baby coming into this world with a criminal record?”

“We’ve already caught one fetus downloading, sharing, and listening to music, that she does not have the rights to, on an iPod Nano in the mother’s womb. Do you realize how many cd sales we will lose if fetuses across the world were to continue these illegal actions? We can’t afford that to happen. If the hospitals won’t release the names of families with newborns on the way, then we’ll take action against that hospital and have them shut down. We aren’t trying to be nasty, but we have to protect the artist’s rights.”

Enhanced view of iPod shows fetus was listening to an illegal download of Fatboy Slim

I Want A Frontal Lobotomy!

by Drunkey McGee

I’ve had bottles in front of me all my life. So, I’m sick and tired of drinkin’ and being drunk. I gotta make a change in my life. Every fuckin’ day it’s the same ‘ol thing…drink drink drink. I’m ready for somethin’ new.

My friends think I’m just kidding around, but I’m serious! I’d rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.

My friends thought I had the saying backwards. I was quick to remind them that I didn’t. I REALLY WANT to get one. I’m not even sure what a lobotomy is, but it can’t be that bad. It’s gotta be better than being drunk for 38 years, right?

You see, when you’ve been drinking as long as I have, it’s not easy to just give it up. We’re talking about a 38-year old habit. I have cocktails for breakfast, beers for lunch, and if I’m trying to be healthy, I’ll have a few bottles of red wine for dinner…you know, to keep my heart healthy and all.

My friends keep trying to talk me out of it. But what would they know? They’re all drunks too! I’ve been drunk a lot longer than them, so I think I would know better!

Heck, after I finish off this case of beer, I’m going to the doctor and I’m gonna let him know what I want. I’m gonna be a new man! I might even get a job or something, who knows?!

John Mark Karr Confesses To Murdering Anna Nicole Smith

Hollywood, FL – John Mark Karr has come forward and confessed to the murder of Anna Nicole Smith.

“I sent her a letter from California with some prescription drugs and told her to take them all at once. I told her that whiskey would probably be the best way to take so many pills down,” said Mr. Karr.

After further investigation, the police believe that is exactly what Ms. Smith did. Previously unsure about whether to investigate Ms. Smith’s drug overdose as a murder, the police are now convinced that John Mark Karr aided in the murder of Anna Nicole Smith. Although the police could not find the letter in question, they will be flying John Mark Karr to Florida for questioning.

“We have to follow every lead,” said Lieutenant Daniels. “With such a high profile case, we can’t afford not to. We’re not sure why Ms. Smith decided to follow the instructions of some random letter, but it appears that she did…which would make him an accomplice in her death. Because of this new evidence and confession, we will be flying John Mark Karr to beautiful, sunny Florida for questioning.”

“I’m happy to comply with the Florida authorities and make this as easy as possible. Northern California was a little chillier than I originally thought anyway,” John Mark Karr said.